These Advice from A Father That Saved Us as a First-Time Dad

"I think I was simply in survival mode for a year."

Ex- reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to handle the challenges of fatherhood.

However the actual experience soon proved to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Serious health problems surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was forced into becoming her chief support as well as looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, each diaper… each outing. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

After 11 months he became exhausted. It was a conversation with his parent, on a public seat, that led him to understand he needed help.

The straightforward statement "You are not in a good place. You must get assistance. How can I help you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and regain his footing.

His situation is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. Although the public is now better used to talking about the pressure on mothers and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the struggles fathers face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan feels his difficulties are linked to a broader failure to talk among men, who still absorb damaging ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and stays upright every time."

"It's not a sign of failure to seek help. I didn't do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, says men can be reluctant to admit they're struggling.

They can think they are "not justified to be requesting help" - especially in front of a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental state is just as important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the chance to take a break - spending a few days away, outside of the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he needed to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings alongside the practical tasks of taking care of a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -physical connection and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That realisation has transformed how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the expression of feelings and understand his decisions as a father.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen lacked consistent male guidance. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, long-standing trauma meant his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing feelings resulted in him make "poor actions" when in his youth to modify how he was feeling, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as escapism from the anguish.

"You find your way to things that aren't helpful," he says. "They might temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will in the end cause more harm."

Strategies for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling under pressure, tell a friend, your spouse or a therapist what you're going through. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the activities that allowed you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. Examples include playing sport, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical health - a good diet, staying active and if you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is coping.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - hearing about their journeys, the challenges, along with the good ones, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Know that asking for help is not failure - looking after yourself is the best way you can look after your family.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the passing, having not spoken to him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead give the safety and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - processing the emotions in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men because they faced their struggles, transformed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… processing things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I wrote, sometimes I think my role is to teach and advise you on life, but in reality, it's a dialogue. I'm learning an equal amount as you are in this journey."