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As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.